Paul Kupperberg on August 10th, 2008

Hey!

I see the little counter turning over numbers at a fairly slow but steady clip. What I don’t know is if any of the slow and steady are actually reading anything I post. I know at least one faithful friend drops the occasional comment (thanks, Rob!), but other than that, it’s been quiet out there. Too quiet! I just wonder: is anyone reading? If so, let me know. Post a brief comment, even if it’s just a smiley-face or something to show you’ve out there.

I mean, I know writing is a solitary pursuit, but this is ridiculous.

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Paul Kupperberg on August 8th, 2008

Submitted to an anthology, this short story, completed in November 2002, didn’t make the final cut. Like the excerpt from “Walk Upon the Waters” posted on July 30, this is another post-comic book Arion Lord of Atlantis story (the names have been changed, of course). The premise here takes the sword & sorcery conceit of the reincarnated warrior and, I hope, turns it on its ear a bit. Here ar the first 1,000 words or so:

“Passed Lives”
© Paul Kupperberg
Arion Lord of Atlantis © DC Comics

As Malasa brought the blade down on the creature’s neck, darkness began to nibble away at the sun. The chicken’s brief squawk of fear was cut short in the blur of blood from its severed neck, its taut feathered body struggling in her grasp even as its startled eyed head bounced to the dusty ground. Malasa had turned her head to the sky, averting her eyes from the splash of blood, when she saw the wedge of blackness beginning to creep across the face of the sun.

She peered through squinted lids, sure her eyes were somehow deceiving her. The sun, giver of all light and warmth, surely it could not be going dark, not now. It was late morning, the sun barely midway through its daily journey across the sky while Malasa and her family attended to chores on their small farm outside the edge of the City of the Stars. Her husband, Khar, the smith, was nearby in his shed, patiently heating the head of an axe in need of repair in his blazing hearth. Their two youngest, the bulk of their little herd having moved on in marriage or apprenticeship, Shartra and Vannga sat in the shade of the house’s overhanging roof, chattering away as they mended bedding with large needles and coarse thread.

The barrel-chested, dark-bearded Khar dropped his long-handled tongs, losing the damaged axe head in the fire. “By Crghas,” he breathed. The crust of darkness at the sun’s western edge had notched deeper into the otherwise blazing orb, moving slug-like, almost imperceptibly, to the east. It was no illusion, else it be one shared by them all.

Vannga, Malasa’s baby, put aside her needle and crossed to where her mother stood, the lifeless fowl now racing away its last moments of existence unnoticed in circles at her feet. “Mama?” the auburn haired eight year old said, slipping into her mother’s arms.

Malasa looked to Khar, but the burly blacksmith was no help, a gape-jawed and glassy-eyed witness to the death of the sun.

“I don’t,” Malasa started to say and then she stopped. Her hand on her frightened child’s face, she looked at the rapidly dwindling sun in the darkening sky. She knew something about this, she realized with a start. It was as a name known but, for the moment, unremembered. But what could she, an old woman, mother of many, have ever known, could have forgotten, about such things?

Then, she said, in a calm voice to reassure the trembling child, “It’s called an eclipse, Vannga. It is merely the shadow of the moon falling upon a vastly more distant sun.” She stroked Vannga’s face. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Khar’s eyes flicked her way, his brow wrinkling. “Say what, woman?”

Malasa turned her gaze his way. “I said it’s an eclipse. It will be over in a few minutes. It isn’t a sign or a portent. It’s harmless.” She smiled, but she was confused.

Khar pointed a trembling finger to the sky. “That is the maw of the Dark Gods, devouring the sun,” he cried. Rooted to her seat with fear, Shartra erupted in tears.

“Oh, don’t be such an ass, Khar,” Malasa scolded. “You’re scaring the children.”

Khar’s face was turning scarlet, his eyes bulging. One quarter of the sun had been consumed by darkness. “Why shouldn’t they fear, woman? The world is coming to an end,” he rasped.

Malasa made a sound of disgust and, taking Vannga’s hand, stomped towards the house. “Then pray or repent or whatever you need do, Khar. And when you’re done being a fool…” she pointed at the carcass of the chicken, finally spent and sprawled twitching on the ground. “Bring in your dinner.”

Malasa hurried Vannga into the house, then hustled the crying Shartra in behind her. She closed the door, then stood with her back pressed against it for several minutes, her eyes squeezed shut. How in the name of the Darkness had this knowledge come to her?

She did not know.

And then she did.

A startled, boisterous laugh exploded from Malasa. Her daughters stood watching her, frightened and confused. No doubt they thought the sight of the vanishing sun had driven away her sanity. And who was Malasa to say they were wrong? She had gone, in the drawing of a breathe, from their sturdy, reliable mother to a baying clown, wracked with laughter even as doom spread its dark fingers over Atlantis. This thought struck her as funnier still. It was but an eclipse, a naturally occurring phenomenon with no more meaning than a hand passing in front of the flame of a candle. And yet to the peasants who labored in the fields of the City of the Stars, it was as if the Dreamer herself had appeared before them to accompany them over into the Darkness.

“Mama, what is it? What’s so funny?” eleven year old Shartra said, her voice quivering, her face wet with tears.

Malasa fought to regain her composure, knowing her behavior was more frightening to the children than the blackening sun. But it had been such a long time. She had lived half of someone else’s life…

And, oh gods, had she really called poor Khar an ass and a fool? She put a hand over her mouth and tried suppressing a renewal of convulsive laughter. Malasa, wed to the smith Khar since she was little more than a girl herself, with near thirty years of marriage and eleven children between them, would never have spoken to her husband in such a disrespectful manner.

But Kahna, warrior priestess of the City of the Archer…she would have no such prohibition.

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Paul Kupperberg on August 6th, 2008

Written in March 2007, it ain’t political but it’s one I’m rather fond of. But I wanna tell you!!

DIGGING FOR COMEDY GOLD
© AMI

SHECKYVILLE, N.Y. – Nestled in the foothills of the Catskill Mountains in upstate New York, Sheckyville is a quiet little farming community. It is a place where people work hard, neighbors watch out for one another, and everybody knows where to find a good laugh.

“In the legendary Joke Mines of the Catskill Mountains, that’s where!” said Wally Baluzza.

Baluzza is Chief Dig Supervisor for the Ritz Gravel Company, the shell corporation that has long hidden the true treasures they mine.

“See, this is literally where comedy comes from! We dig it from the ground, do you dig it, daddio? See what I mean? Jokes everywhere!”

The revelation of the Joke Mines was made by investigative comedians Tell & Railer on their hard-hitting cable TV program Horse Pucky.

“The Joke Mine was discovered by Catskill Mountain hotel and resort owner Milton Ritz in 1914,” said the tall, aggressive Sylvania Railer. “One day, Ritz was drilling a new well when he hit something that made him laugh. Not water, but comedy nuggets! Ritz had found a vein of pure comedy that lead right into the mountain on his property.”

Ritz’s newly acquired sense of humor quickly made him a popular host, attracting clients, and making his marginal resort a success.

“Other hoteliers came to the region to sop up the overflow from Ritz’s place,” Wally Baluzza said. “Swearing the newcomers to secrecy, Ritz started selling the product of his mine to them.”

With the Joke Mine now exposed, does the company fear any problems?

“Are you joking?” said Baluzza, ironically. “Every wanna-be comedian, writer, and office cooler wit’s going to flock here. Since we now own all these hotels and resorts in the area, renting out rooms at inflated rates is the one thing here that’s nothing to laugh at!”

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Paul Kupperberg on August 5th, 2008

On July 22 I posted the Prologue to a Superman novel that I started playing with last October for no other reason than I had the idea and needed to get it out of my system. After a lifetime as a commercial writer, it’s unusual for me to work on something featuring someone else’s intellectual property without there being a paycheck waiting for me on the other end, but, as I wrote when I ran the first part of this, it was a creative itch I needed to scratch.

SUPERMAN: THE END OF TIME
Superman and all related elements © 2008 DC Comics
SUPERMAN: THE END OF TIME © 2008 Paul Kupperberg

Chapter 1/ Smallville

The blinking halo of light swept across the night sky between McClintock’s farm and the woods that billowed from the edge of town south of Maple Street. The glow sailed against the star crusted October darkness like curiosity in a realm of unfamiliar sensations. It made no sound but would hover in the area for a full ten minutes while the first telephone calls were made to the police. No one bothered dialing up the police station; they called straight on to Doug Parker’s house. At this hour, nearly 11:00 p.m., City Center and all its offices would be locked up tight and everyone, including Chief Parker and the town’s three other police officers, would be home, likely asleep.

Well, a mysterious light in the sky, everyone would agree, was ample excuse to disturb the chief at home.

But there, down in the broad field that Mr. McClintock used for grazing, the halo could be heard as a dry papery snap and the muffled laughter of adolescence.

“Give it more string,” Clark Kent said in a loud whisper as they ran, their way lighted by the shimmering glow sailing a hundred feet above their heads.

“Keep it down, willya,” Lex Luthor said with a laugh in his voice. “This is supposed to be a secret mission.”

“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” Clark said, turning his eyes to the apparition overhead as light danced on the lenses of his horn-rim glasses.

Lex tugged at the lightweight tungsten wire stretching from the spool in his hands, carefully guiding the kite at the other end into a slow loop in the night air. A battery in the spool sent a small current up the wire that activated a phosphorous compound painted on the kite; a touch of a copper strip turned the current on and off. On. Off. On. Off.

“Yeah,” he said with a grin. He had come up with the compound in the small and undersupplied laboratory in the corner of the family’s cramped garage for just this reason. “They’re gonna freak out for sure.”

“Yeah,” Clark agreed, almost breathless, his eyes following the glowing kite with the intensity of someone willing himself to remain earthbound and not follow it into the air.

“Shh, both of you!” Lana Lang whispered. “I don’t think a U.F.O. is supposed to sound like two boys chatting.” Then she erupted in a fresh peal of giggles, clapping her hands over her own mouth to stifle the sound.

“Uh-huh, it’d sound more like that, I’m sure,” Clark said with a roll of his eyes. He looked at his watch. “Seven minutes, Lex.”

“Plenty of time, pal, plenty of time,” Lex said with studied casualness and an easy grin.

Clark grinned back and, shoulder to shoulder with Lana, watched one of his other best friends pull probably the best prank he could ever remember being pulled in Smallville. It was a perfect late October night, crisp, a hint of wood smoke in the air, a week before Halloween because, Lex explained, who expects to be pranked the week before? Clark couldn’t argue with the red head’s logic. He never could, not since the very first day Lex Luthor appeared in the doorway of Smallville Elementary School’s fifth grade class, a glowering mid-term transfer from Metropolis, torn from his rough and tumble urban world and dropped in the middle of a somnambulistic farming community.

Clark had felt sorry for the new kid and made sure to introduce himself during lunch. By the end of afternoon recess, they were fast friends. By that weekend, Lex had joined Clark’s tiny clique, which also included Lana and Pete Ross, and the quartet had been intact since, Lex sliding easily and naturally into the role as leader of the pack. Clark didn’t mind. Lex was smart … actually, Clark was smart. Lex Luthor was a genius, one of those rare kids so scarily smart that educators have to throw away all the definitions and expectations and get out of his way. In a big city like Metropolis, a kid like Lex would be in special classes, skipping over grades and acing advanced placement tests.

In the Smallville school system, the best the teachers could do was let him follow his own interests and inclinations, especially since he had turned in all the homework and mandatory and extra credit assignments for the entire year on the morning of his second day of class. Clark, who could have done the same thing if his parents only allowed him to actually do the things he was capable of doing, knew how smart that made someone like Lex, who was, as far as Clark could tell, different but not in the same way he was. It didn’t take much longer for Clark to see that as smart as he was, and he never forgot anything that he read, saw, or heard, Lex was smarter. Lots. Not because of what he knew, but because of what he could do with what he knew. The best Clark could compare their styles, he took information and filed it away in a neat and orderly fashion in his memory like facts jotted on countless individual, alphabetized index cards. Lex’s brain took all those orderly index cards and flung them in the air, letting them mix and match however they happened to fall while he searched through them for commonalities and patterns, finding truth and inspiration by processing and ordering chaos.

Lana dug her elbow into his ribs. “Hey!” she snapped. “Time?”

He blinked, knowing he had been doing it again, that thing ma called his “thousand yard stare.” He could gaze off, eyes fixed on nothing while his mind wandered and his thoughts became lost. Pa said it was natural enough for a boy of fourteen; ma was worried he’d get so lost he’d cross the street without looking both ways. The thought made Clark shake his head. She wasn’t worried he would be hurt, but that someone else might be and, even worse, when he wasn’t injured, that his secret would come out. The truth was the worst thing his parents could imagine. They thought if anyone knew, “they” would come and take Clark away from them. As if anyone could make him do anything he didn’t want to do. But ma and pa wouldn’t think that way. If someone from the government knocked on the door, he wanted to believe pa would fight them for him, but he wasn’t sure. They didn’t come more law-abiding than Jonathan and Martha Kent. Clark knew for a fact that his father’s general store was an all cash business, yet his father reported every cent on his income taxes and was known to go to the homes of customers whom he had accidentally short-changed to repay the difference when he discovered the error.

Pa had been in the army, too, and Clark was pretty sure it would the military who came to get him. Some colonel or general yelling in his face, pa might just wind up saluting and handing Clark over, even though he knew, though they never said as much, that images of cells and chains and dissection tables flashed through both his parents’ minds whenever they thought of someone learning the truth.

Clark, on the other hand, could imagine only freedom.

“Nine minutes and fifteen seconds,” Clark said.

“Two more minutes,” Lex said. “Then I’ll cut it loose. The direction the wind’s blowing, the kite probably won’t come down until it’s out of the state.”

“The mystery of the Smallville U.F.O.,” Lana intoned in a serious voice. “This time around, everybody’s going to see it.” She punctuated her announcement with a giggle.

“Don’t you mean someone besides your father?” Even as the words left his mouth, Clark regretted them.

But Lana just shrugged. Since a third grade schoolmate had seen a story in the newspaper that mentioned Professor Lang’s sighting, she had grown accustomed to this particular line of ridicule. “You know daddy wasn’t the only one saw it. Bunch of folks in Grady reported it, and there was that pilot who also saw something.”

And ma and pa, Clark thought. And himself, too, although he hadn’t actually seen the U.F.O. He had been inside it. But none of them ever dared report what they knew. That was part of the truth that was the Kent family secret.

“Besides, this isn’t about daddy. This is just for fun.”

Clark and Lex exchanged grins and rolled their eyes. Then Clark checked his watch and announced, “Eleven minutes.”

Lex flicked open a pocket knife and with a smile, said, “Six.”

Clark said, “Five.”

Lana said, “Four.”

“Three. Two. One,” they said in unison and Lex flicked the blade through the tungsten wire. “Blast off!”

The wind holding the glowing kite aloft grabbed the freed chemically treated fabric and hurled it even higher, a vague, luminescence in the night that quickly flickered and died out, leaving the sky empty of any light but that of the stars.

The friends watched it go, smiling, proud of themselves, then Clark said, in an urgent whisper, “The Chief’s coming up the road.”

They didn’t hear a thing, but Lana and Lex didn’t question Clark’s warning. He was always hearing approaching cars and yelling parents before anyone else. Lex joked that his extraordinary hearing was probably nature’s way of compensating for his being half-blind.

“You know the plan,” Lex said, extending his hand out before him. “We split up, sneak home, and never speak of this to anyone!”

Lana stacked her hand on top of his and Clark slapped his atop hers. Then, with giant smiles and barely suppressed giggles, they melted into the night.

By the time Chief Parker’s car rolled slowly by, playing his searchlight across Mr. McClintock’s field, they were, one by one, making their way through the deserted, shadowed streets of town, each to slip back through unlatched window or cellar door and into bed, where their parents, those that cared, had left them hours earlier.

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Paul Kupperberg on August 4th, 2008

In 2005, with the Senate in a deadlock over whatever partisan bullshit they were deadlocked over and Cindy Sheehan staking out President Bush’s Crawford, Texas ranch to protest the bullshit war in Iraq that cost her son his life but on which Bush insisted he would “stay the course” (even though his course lead straight to the edge of a cliff), I wrote this article for Weekly World News. The editor passed on it, but I throw away nothing:

TRAPPED SENATORS “STAY THE COURSE”
© 2008 Paul Kupperberg

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Six senators were heading down to the lobby of the Senate Office Building on their way to lunch when the escalator they were riding on lurched to a stop.

When passersby on the adjacent staircase suggested that the senators walk down the rest of the way, Senator Robert Byrd (R-West Virginia) said, “No, we started this by riding the escalator and we intend to stay the course.”

Chip “William” Rutherford, a spokesman for the Republican National Committee, said, “Look, the escalator company obviously has an agenda that goes beyond moving people up and down between levels. I think we have to ask ourselves, what do they gain from this so-called ‘unexpected’ breakdown.”

Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) said, “As Americans, these senators have the right to expect quality, people moving conveyances.”

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-New York) said, “This is all another right wing smokescreen designed to divert the attention of the American people from what’s really important, which is that the right wing is always wrong.”

In a special session of the House Appropriations Committee, $8 billion in emergency escalator repair was voted on and a no-bid contract awarded to Haliburton to begin efforts to get the senators moving again.

The president issued a statement in sympathy and support of the trapped senators but, declaring that he needed to “keep his own life moving forward even if the senators couldn’t,” left on a two week vacation at his Crawford, Texas ranch.

Arnold Schwang, a retired escalator repair man, began a vigil outside the ranch, vowing to stay there until the president was “properly and completely embarrassed.”

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Paul Kupperberg on August 2nd, 2008

An excerpt from a work in progress, Same Old Story, a murder mystery set in the early 1950s world of the comic book business. Guy Dooley and the narrator, Max Wiser, are writers who have just learned the several of the publishers they write for are going under and have hit the streets in search of new work. Here, they run into one of their more successful colleagues. I love the Pincus the ribbon salesman joke beyond all rational explanation:

THE SAME OLD STORY
©2008 Paul Kupperberg


Chapter 3/ REAL CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

Deciding that being only half-drunk after receiving the news from Murray was worse than being sober, Guy was desperate for coffee. We stopped at the Automat on 44th Street, feeding enough nickels into the slots for a couple of cups of joe and a matching set of doughnuts.

Guy was lighting a cigarette when Robert Konigsberg sauntered up to the table. Tall and handsome in a rugged Robert Taylor sort of way, Bob had been an editor at National before leaving to write freelance. He was, for all intents and purposes, the top writer at the top company, responsible for a large chunk of their super-hero and romance lines. And he knew exactly where he stood in the pecking order, too. In a brushed camel hair coat and always freshly blocked Homburg, a bright and natty ascot as a dashing alternative to a tie, Bob was a fashion-plate, a teller of self-aggrandizing tall tales, a playboy, an often surprisingly good and creative writer, and a certified lunatic. There were too many Bob Konigsberg stories to tell, but the least bizarre of his traits included his habit, while writing during his lunch hours when he was still on staff, of suddenly leaping up on his desk, brandishing an umbrella or cane as a sword and sprouting ersatz Shakespearean dialogue at the top of his lungs, then calmly climbing back down to his seat and resuming his typing. His office mates thought he was eccentric. The head-shrinkers at a psychiatric facility in Valley Stream thought he was a danger to himself or others. Twice. Once for sixty days, then again for five months.

He was, by all reports, not currently crazy, making me wonder how crazy you had to be to qualify for crazy. I thought the guy was a fruitcake, but at least he was nuts in a way that made him interesting.

“Gentlemen,” he sniffed at us in his bored, affected nasal tone. “What’s the good word?”

“Down here on earth,” said Dooley, ”or up there on Olympus where you reside?”

“Jealousy of his betters aside,” Bob said, directing his question to me, “what’s his problem?”

“Pincus,” said Dooley, suddenly and apropos of nothing at all, “was the best ribbon salesman in New York. You ever hear this one, Bob? About Pincus, the ribbon salesman?”

Bob sighed theatrically. Konigsberg had several talents, but humor wasn’t one of them. The man was incapable of understanding funny in any form but the dry, smile provoking bon mot, which only he thought was humorous to begin with. Laughter was unknown to that sad, dark heart of his. So Guy liked to tell him jokes.

“He sold Woolworth’s, Gimbels, B. Altman’s, everywhere. But he could never sell to Macy’s. The ribbon buyer refused to change ribbon suppliers, but Pincus kept badgering him until, finally, one day, the buyer says, ‘Pincus, I’m in a bind. I need a piece of ribbon exactly two and six-sixteenths inches wide, of the exact red of a perfect sunset, with a texture like a baby’s behind, and as long as from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis. I need it tomorrow by noon. Find it for me and from now on, I’ll buy all my ribbon from you.’ Pincus agrees to the terms and off he goes.”

Bob tapped his foot on the Automat’s scarred linoleum floor, waiting with undisguised impatience.

“The next day, at exactly noon, the phone in the buyer’s office rings and it’s Pincus. ‘I got your ribbon,’ he says. ‘Meet me outside.’ So outside the buyer goes and there’s Pincus…with ten big trucks full of ribbon! ‘Pincus,’ the buyer says, ‘the width is dead-on, the color is absolutely perfect, the texture so soft you could cry. But, Pincus, I said I wanted a piece only as long as from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis!’

“’So?’ says Pincus. ‘The tip of my penis is back in Poland!’”

I laughed. Bob didn’t.

“You were saying?” Bob prompted me, as though Guy hadn’t spoken.

“Worldwide Distribution’s gone down the tubes and they’re taking Blue Chip and Feature, that we know of, with them,” I said.

Bob blinked. He stepped back. “When,” he said, “when did this happen?”

“Today. This afternoon,” I said. “You okay, Bob?”

I don’t think he heard me, just nodded out of reflex.

“Don’t set sail for Cloud Cuckoo-land on us now, Bob,” Guy said. “Remember, the guys you work own their own distribution company. They’re the only ones don’t have to worry.”

“Were you doing anything for one of them?” I knew Konigsberg drew a nice salary writing exclusively for National, but I’d also heard the rumors that he wrote secretly, under a variety of pseudonyms, for other publishers.

“Hmm?” Bob shook his head and focused his gaze on me once again. He managed a smile, but it never quite reached his eyes. “Actually, between you, me, and the lamppost,” he said, nodding in Guy’s direction, “I did provide some unsigned material on the side for some of their adventure and romance titles. Adventures Beneath the Earth, My Strangest Journey, Young and in Love, First Dates and so forth.” He waved his hand. “Strictly for income my wife was unaware of, a little extra cash to keep a certain someone in the style to which I’ve made her accustomed.”

Guy drained his coffee and rose to go after a refill. “Oh, Bob, you dog,” he said, deadpan, and left.

Bob shot his cuff and checked his wristwatch, making sure I got a gander at the gold band and jeweled face. “Well,” he said. “Speaking of which, I’d best be off. Don’t want to keep the lady waiting.”

I didn’t ask if he meant his wife or his girlfriend. I just said good-bye and returned to my doughnut.

Knowing that guys like Konigsberg would sail right through the current troubles with little more than an interruption in the quality of their adultery made me feel even worse for guys like me and Dooley. His kids could go hungry, I might have to live off my widowed mother or get a real job…but Bob Konigsberg might not be able to pay the rent on his floozy’s apartment.

At the moment, I couldn’t imagine a reason I could ever feel sorry for either Konigsberg or his floozy.

That would change soon enough.

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Paul Kupperberg on July 31st, 2008

I am not a self-help book kind of guy. I don’t read them and I certainly never thought I’d want to write one. Someone as screwed up as me shouldn’t be giving anyone advice. But, after almost 20 years working for one corporation or another, I discovered a management principle that was just too good not to turn into a self-help book. I think the title says it all, but if not, here are a couple of excerpts to illustrate:

MÜNCHHAUSEN MANAGEMENT
How Bad Managers Make Themselves Look Good By Making You Look Bad
© 2008 Paul Kupperberg

Chapter 7/ The “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” Corollary

After I’d been on the job for about four years, an old friend of mine who had worked for the company for a while almost twenty years earlier came back to the fold.

The first thing I did on his first day was say hello.

The second thing I did on his first day was to tell him something that had taken me my first several months to put together. It was definitely something in the air, but not seeing it sooner and adapting my strategies to deal with it had hurt me in some small ways. My friend was coming in at a higher and more politically sensitive position than mine, so I thought he should have as much information to work with about the place as possible.

What I told him is what I call the “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” Corollary:

Everybody can do your job better than you.
Therefore:
Everybody’s too busy doing your job better than you to do their own jobs.

This is prime Münchhausen behavior. What better way to prove your indispensability than to be surrounded by such a collection of lunkheads that you’ve got to do their jobs on top of your own? When shown a piece of a project—especially one outside the Münchhausen Manager’s area of expertise—he will be quick to point out how you missed the boat, how you can make it better. This is usually an opinion formed in utter ignorance of the actual requirements of the project.

It doesn’t matter.

They can do it better.

And then, of course, it’s a total muck-up. And it’s your fault. When the Münchhausen Manager made his suggestions—they were, after all, just suggestions—you didn’t tell him that his ideas were outside the specs. You should have known better. You should have told him!

(Notwithstanding that to have actually done so would have lead to your having your head physically removed from your body and punted down the corridor like a soccer ball.)

Meanwhile, that design or approval or those specs that you’ve long been in desperate need of having approved are in the limbo of the Münchhausen Manager’s in-box, awaiting his attention. And he will get to it. Soon, just as soon as he’s finished straightening out Louise down in manufacturing…!

Like all the worst Münchhausen managerisms, the “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” Corollary is a bit of Trickle Down Management, quickly and gleefully adopted by the lowlies as their own path to promotion and power. Be all-knowing and all- letting- the- world- know– you’re- all- knowing and you too can actually attain a position of power.

The good thing about following that strategy is that by the time you do actually attain a management position, everybody will already hate you.

Chapter 11/ The “Dollars for Bullshit” Quotient

A high-placed executive of a good sized company likes to quote a pet theory of his own devising:

No job is worth more than $20,000 a year.

For every dollar you’re paid over and above that amount, you’re required to take that much bullshit. For the baseline $20,000, you shouldn’t have to live with much, if any, bullshit. For $30,000, you have to take $10,000 worth. For $40,000, $20,000 worth of bullshit, and so on. So, following this theory, the average worker bee at his company should be fairly stress free.

In reality, companies are chockablock with managers always on the look-out for the lowest paying drone on whom to pin the blame and to whom the door is shown.

Middle-managers manage middlely by brow-beating and intimidation. A $25,000 a year assistant will be warned there’s zero tolerance for screw-ups while a superior walks away from costly or embarrassing mistakes with a slap on the wrist and a mild warning. The assets to properly do the job are denied and the drones are told to adapt…but they’d better not screw it up while they’re struggling to do the impossible.

So, yes, a grand theory.

Just not one that applies to you.

It, like all the lofty executive utterances on the great responsibility of power, exists for one reason and one reason alone: to evoke pity for the utterer. The executive knows anyone he quotes the Bullshit Quotient knows that he makes more money than they do. And a hell of a lot more than $20,000. What he’s saying is, under this theory, he’s taking bullshit. A lot of bullshit. Probably six or seven figures a year worth of bullshit.

Can you conceive of how much bullshit that is?

The answer is, of course you can. You’ve just heard it.

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Paul Kupperberg on July 30th, 2008

I created a sword & sorcery comic book series for DC called Arion, Lord of Atlantis which ran from 1982 to 1985. I’ve always been particularly fond of Arion and company, which I got to write again in the ’90s, but never felt as though I’d been able to properly resolve the characters and their stories. In 2000, I found the opportunity with a short story I contributed to Oceans of Magic, an anthology edited by Brian M. Thomsen and Martin Greenberg. In it, the aged immortal sorcerer supreme of Atlantis takes to sea aboard his ensorcelled ship, the Yar, sailing off for the final battle against his ancient foe, Celepha. The story, finished in May 2000, was my closure:

WALK UPON THE WATERS
© 2000 Paul Kupperberg

Thalis dreamed of Kahna.

She was the Amazon, tall and muscular, skin the color of burnished bronze, hair braided in a tight tail that hung to within inches of the floor. She was the most beautiful, the most dangerous, the most desirable woman he had ever known. Even before he saw in her startling sightless gray eyes the same soul reflected back that he had seen three time previous. He whispered, “Kahna,” and she whispered, “Thalis,” and they were together again.

She stood in his dream on the terrace outside his quarters. The sun was rising and the morning breeze was warm. Her arms were wrapped across her chest but as the sun rose, its golden light bathing the First City’s gleaming towers in a light so brilliant as to be painful, she slowly spread wide her arms, raising on her toes, turning her face to the sun and laughing like a delighted child.

Thalis lay in his bed, watching through the doorway the golden light wash over her golden skin, the silk of her robe shining like white fire in the morning sun.

As he watched, he was content to live forever, if only so the memory of the moment would never, ever die.

* * *

At sundown on the second day, Celepha sent creatures to attack the Yar.

They were three, exploding from the roiling waters to surround the heaving ship. They were twice the height of the Yar’s main mast, waterbeasts dark and featureless save for gaping, dripping maws lined with coral teeth sharp enough to rend wood and metal. The first of the beasts closed its jaws around the ship’s railing and the serpent roared in rage and pain.

Thalis strode from beneath deck, staff in hand, and screamed an incantation of fire at the beast. The spell surged through him and the great staff, and tore a gash in the fabric of reality that separated this world from the Darkness, releasing a torrent of eldritch fire that turned the raging thing into a howling column of steam. He turned the staff on the second beast, releasing the magical bonds that held the waters to this shape even as it swooped down with its jaws wide to snatch the old sorcerer from the rain washed deck. The attack died in a torrent of sea water that sent Thalis crashing to the planks.

The third and final beast found its throat caught in the teeth of the serpent and it bellowed and thrashed as it tried to escape Yar’s grasp. The serpent held firm, until the beast decided to return to its primal form rather than face humiliating defeat. It collapsed into water, washing back into the sea that birthed it.

Thalis regained his footing and, wiping the stinging salt of the sea from his eyes, held high his staff to the thundering clouds, and screamed, “I am coming, Celepha!”

Lightning flashed, making night as bright as day. Thunder shook the very air around the ship.

“Celepha mocks us still,” growled the serpent, its great head whipping back and forth.

Thalis tightened his fist around his staff. “Celepha toys with us,” he said. He knew what she too must know. He was one old man, weary of life and of living. What did a god have to fear from one such as him?

* * *

Thalis’s staff was carved of the wood of the first tree felled to build the First City.

The gods had gathered members of the Twelve Tribes inhabiting the world and brought them to the place on the edge of the Great Sea and decreed that upon that spot was to be constructed the First City of Atlantis. A craftsman named Argon had taken his axe to the great tree and felled it with twelve blows, grunting the name of each tribe as his blade bit into the wood.

The tree fell. A piece of wood as thick as a grown man’s forearm and near three lengths tall splintered off the tree when it fell to the ground. Thalis took up the splinter.

“Here is the nexus of all the magic of the One,” Wynsgar nodded in approval at the place the gods had directed them to. “Atlantis shall grow great and powerful here. Its people will spread out across the world, but its heart will ever thus beat here, upon the lands that the gods have gifted us.”

Thalis took out his knife and began to carve at the top of the staff the visage of Atlannis, first of the twelve deities. When he finished the carving, Atlannis smiled out at him. Over the years, the visages of the rest of the pantheon joined Atlannis on the staff.

Now, so many thousands of years later, he feared to look at the staff lest he find the mother of all the gods no longer smiling.

* * *

Thalis huddled in a chair in the cabin wrapped in furs and coverlets. He would not, could not bring himself to lay on the berth. How could that be right, without Kahna to share it with him?

“Yar,” he whispered.

“Yes, Thalis,” replied his old friend.

“I cannot sleep,” the old man said.

“Perhaps that is best,” the ship said softly, in a voice like sea spray through the riggings. “Think of the dreams you will miss.”

Thalis closed his eyes. He saw swimming before him the faces of thousands. Of Kahna, of Gith, of Shanar, of Wynsgar, of countless others he had known, had loved, had lost. His life had surged through the ages, bloody with violence and destruction. He had received his share of wounds, had faced death too many times to remember, but he was still here.

How many had he lead into brutal, ugly deaths?

He could count each and every face, passing like specters from the Darkness before him now. Then he would know how many.

His eyes snapped open, banishing the ghosts. He sighed. “Ahh, well. There will be time for sleep later.”

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