Paul Kupperberg on September 8th, 2008

Progress on The Same Old Story (here, here, here and here) continues at a steady pace, with the word count up to 45,000 or so. The Same Old Story is a mystery set in the early-1950s whose protagonist is a pulp and comic book writer. Part of the conceit of the novel is that chapters of the fictionalized version (starring his pulp character, NYPD homicide detective King Solomon, who is based on his father) of the mystery our hero, Max Wiser, is investigating are mixed in with the “real” story. Here’s one of the “make believe” chapters:

A New KING SOLOMON Mystery!
“THE LAST SHUTTLE TO TIMES SQUARE” by Max Wiser
© Paul Kupperberg

The boss obviously didn’t believe in wasting his money on offices to impress visitors, or cockroaches for that matter. Apex Publications was about as bare bones as an operation got, walls painted institutional green, desks and chairs from an office surplus house and filing cabinets, none of whose drawers could any longer close properly. Dennis Arnold, president and publisher of Apex Publications, sat in his little ten foot by ten foor office with a single window overlooking the airshaft. He appeared to King Solomon to be a very practical man, the kind who went around shutting off lights and retrieving paperclips from the trash cans after everyone had gone home at night.

He also seemed fairly well shook by the death of Ray Koening.

“I bought Raymond’s very first stories, when he was just a kid, still in high school,” Arnold said, shaking his head and staring at his desktop as though the riot of papers and comic books spread across its surface held some secret, if only he could dig it out of the chaos.

“Would you say you were friends?” the King said.

“Friends, with Raymond?” Denny Arnold asked, almost surprised by the question. He smiled sadly. “I suppose as much as he was capable of having a friend, I would be it. He came to me for advise and help several times on a personal matter.”

“Would that have been his commitments to Stony Hill?”

The round little man shrugged and met the King’s eyes. “What difference does it make now? Does it have a bearing on the reason he’s dead? I thought he fell from a train.”

“So he did,” King Solomon said. “But the question remains, why did he fall? Mr. Koenig was not popular among his peers…”

Denny Arnold sat forward. “That’s nonsense. Sure, he was difficult to get along with, but everyone respected him.”

“I’ve spoken to a few of his fellow writers. The nicest thing any of them had to say was that he was always clean.”

“Well, there was some jealousy at work. Raymond rose very quickly to the top of his profession and I’m sure you’ve heard plenty about that attitude of his, like he believed he deserved special treatment. And maybe he did. He was a natural born storyteller, very original and prolific. Back when Apex first started publishing, he was writing most of our output. Eventually, he was offered work from other publishers at a higher rate of pay than we could afford to match and we lost his full-time services.”

“He had a check for seventy dollars from Apex in his wallet, dated two days before his death.”

The little publisher smiled. “Raymond was under an exclusive contract with Dynamic Comics, but he still wrote for me sometimes. For old time sake.”

“And extra cash?”

“I was just happy to have him writing for me,” he said with an innocent shrug.

“Why did he need the money, Mr. Arnold?”

“How should I know, detective? As I said, Raymond was very forthcoming about his personal life.”

“I understand he liked women,” the King said.

“So?” Shrug. “So do I?”

“Other than your wife.”

Arnold heaved a sigh into the air and shook his head. “No. Now Raymond, on the other hand…”

“Any woman who might have gotten him killed?”

The little man blinked in surprise. “Dear lord, I can’t imagine such a thing. I mean, doesn’t that only happen in movies or our comic books?”

“You’d be surprised, sir.”

“Well, no. He ran around with all sorts of women, but no one actually dangerous. Actresses, receptionists, secretaries, airline stewardesses. He liked gals who were easy on the eye,” Arnold said. “He may have made up stories about them, for his own reputation, but he stayed far away from trouble. “

“Was he seeing anyone you know about?”

Arnold paused. “Well…”

The King smiled. “It’s okay to tell me, Mr. Arnold. I’m the police.”

“I know, Inspector. I’m sorry…it’s just that I’d hate to involve an innocent party in something like this.”

“If they’re innocent, there’s no harm in your giving me the name.”

“Yes…well, one of our editors, a young woman named Sandra Daniels. I’ve heard rumors she and Raymond have been seeing one another recently. I don’t know how serious they were, but knowing him, I’d say not very.”

“What can you tell me about Miss Daniels?”

“Nothing much to tell. She’s in her early thirties, single, very friendly and efficient. I hired her about six years ago as an assistant and she was so good I fired the guy I had hired her to assist and gave her his job three years later.”

“Is Miss Daniels by any chance a redhead?”

“No, sir. She’s a blond.”

The King nodded. “Tell me, Mr. Arnold, do you think Mr. Koenig’s reputation was deserved? I’m getting the sense he was a bit of a talker.”

“He liked to talk tough,” Arnold said. “But talk was all he was. He was no hero.”

“Puffed himself up, did he?”

“I’ll say. He had more fight stories than Lardner but I’ll bet you can count on two fingers the number of times that guy threw a punch as an adult. And probably wound up on his back both times. You could tell. He was a flincher?”

King Solomon nodded.

“You know the type, right? Gives it away right from the get-go, flinches when you put out your hand to shake hello.” He stopped and chuckled at a thought. “Raymond had this scar on his right cheek, about three inches long. For years he’s been telling everyone who’ll listen that he got it in a duel with some Baron Von Humphf-humphf or other in Austria. Big duel, honor of a lady, the countryside at dawn, two men and their swords, the whole nine yards. You didn’t ask about it, he’d point it out somehow, ‘Whenever my dueling scar itches like this, I know it’s going to rain.’

“Anyway, he had this story of that duel, sounded like a scene from the Three Musketeers. He’s slashed, bleeding, first blood to the baron, but the sight of blood makes the blackguard overconfident and Raymond takes advantage and tags the guy in the shoulder, the guy concedes, Raymond’s the hero. The scar’s his badge of honor.”

The King smiled. “’Blackguard’?”

“What can I tell you, he talked that way. So, the whole world knows about his dueling scar. One day, I stop by his apartment to pick up some scripts on my way downtown, who opens the door but his mama, old lady Koenig herself! Raymond’s not home, but he left the scripts for me and Mrs. Koenig invites me in for a cup of coffee. She’s visiting for a few days, she lives in Ohio somewhere, Cincinnati? Cleveland? Anyway, she lives in Ohio now with Bob’s older sister, Ilsa, who’s apparently not in the best of health. So Mrs. Koenig is so happy to meet one of Raymond’s colleagues, Raymond this and Raymond that. Lovely woman. Anyway, over coffee and strudel, I make a passing reference to his dueling scar. Mrs. Koenig seemed to find it amusing when I called it that, although she was quick to point out that it wasn’t funny at the time. Seems as a boy in the Bronx, Raymond was pretending a discarded automobile radio antenna was a sword, slashing it around in front of the mirror when it whipped back into his face and cut his cheek. He was never, she added, terribly adept at physical activities, but he did excel at the cerebral.”

“She talk that way too?”

“Like mother, like son.”

The King drummed his fingers on his knee. The picture he was putting together of Raymond Koenig was not a pretty one, but nothing so ugly as to suggest a motive for murder.

“Tell me, sir,” he said, “were you the only publisher for whom Mr. Koenig was writing, in violation of his contract with Dynamic Comics?”

“Oh, I doubt it. Raymond was very, very prolific. He could bang out a six-pager over lunch. You want to have seen something amazing, watch him type! He had these long, slender fingers, like a piano player’s, and he made a typewriter sound like a machinegun. I once saw him type something on one of those new IBM electric typewriters…my hand to the Almighty, he typed so fast that the machine kept going for a full five seconds after he stopped, catching up with him. However many pages of story a week his contract called for, I’d bet Raymond could produce double it. He knew people all over town who were happy to buy from him and keep quiet about it. Not that it really mattered. Everybody knows everybody else’s business in comics anyway. It’s a small community, Inspector, and these guys are all yentas.”

“Didn’t sound like Mr. Koenig was doing so bad for a man so unpopular.”

Denny Arnold shuffled through the papers on his desk. “He was a bit of a mad genius. People cut some slack for people like him.” When he looked up, his eyes were wet. “I think I’m actually gonna miss him. Who knew?”

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Paul Kupperberg on September 5th, 2008

I ran an excerpt from my one-and-only self-help book in progress here, so perhaps it’s time for a little more.

MÜNCHHAUSEN MANAGEMENT
How Bad Managers Make Themselves Look Good By Making You Look Bad
© 2008 Paul Kupperberg


Chapter 15/ “But do you love it? I want you to love it!”

Your boss tells you to change something.

You argue against the change with any number of well-thought out and relevant arguments based on your intimate knowledge of a project that this boss knows in only the most general terms.

He counters by repeating what he said originally.

You reply with a recap of your previous arguments, plus a few others, newly conjured up in desperation.

He proposes that you do what he says.

You say you really don’t think it’s the best idea.

He says, “Do it!”

And proceeds to tell you why you should do it. Aside, of course, from the fact that he’s your boss and he’s just told you to. And as he speaks, he warms to his subject. You’ve challenged him, questioned his obvious superiority in stature and knowledge and now he’s determined to prove to you that he’s right.

He’s not. Doesn’t matter what his title is, he’s wrong.

But he’s your boss.

So you hear him out and, at the first break in the rationalizations, you say, “Okay. Got it. Will do.”

But that’s no longer enough. If you had agreed with him at the very start, this wouldn’t happen, but your questioning his wisdom is a stab at his ego—a fragile one, please remember, and one wracked by the daily stress of corporate fear—and now he has to be vindicated. Now he needs complete capitulation.

“But,” he asks, leaning forward and fixing you with a look that can only mean trouble, “do you love it? I want you to love it!”

You don’t love it.

You can’t love it because it’s
(a) stupid,
(b) wrong,
(c) really stupid, or
(d) all of the above.

You couldn’t love his idea if it had rich parents and offered to marry you and buy you a pretty house on the beach.

“It’s fine,” you say, glancing at the door and fervently wishing you were on the other side of it. “I’ll do it.”

“But do you love it?”

Sigh!

Yes.

Ultimately, you’ll have to find a way to say that you do love it that satisfies your boss’s need to not only be right but to be really right (which comes with the side benefit of being really humiliating for you) but that doesn’t make you feel like a total whore.

But like a good whore, you’re just faking it, to get it over with, collect your money and get out of that room.

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Paul Kupperberg on September 4th, 2008

In 1979, DC Comics published the first issue of a short-lived science fiction anthology title, Time Warp, sub-titled “Doomsday Tales and Other Things.” It was 68-pages for $1 and the covers boasted “8 All-New Science Fiction Thrillers!” The emphasis did seem to be on the story over the art; the cover to #1 had credits for the “Startling Stories by” the writers only. The art was good, too: Michael Kaluta cover, interior art by Dick Giordano, Tom Sutton, Steve Ditko, and others.

Time Warp lasted all of five issues. I sold two stories to editor Jack C. Harris, one that appeared in #5 (something about a vampire robot; Kaluta made it look a lot more interesting on the cover than I recall its actually being, no fault of artists Don Newton and Steve Mitchell), and one that never appeared anywhere because, as I say, Time Warp lasted all of five issues. The artist was, as I recall, Michael Adams. Click on any image to view it at a more readable size:

THE MAN WHO WOULD BE CONQUEROR
© DC Comics

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Paul Kupperberg on September 3rd, 2008

Here’s a Weekly World News story I wrote in September 2005. After his speech last night at the Republican Convention, the line about Joe Lieberman not being able to run for President again remains deeply meaningful:

“EL PRESIDENTE” BUSH Plans for W’s Retirement Years…as President of Mexico

© Weekly World News

Washington, D.C.—All the experts agree that it’s never too early to begin planning for your retirement. And with the end of his second term a little more than three years away, President George W. Bush is no exception.

Most ex-presidents spend their post-White House years writing their memoirs and books on politics and policy (or, in the case of Gerald R. Ford, playing golf), living out their years as respected elder statesmen or dying shortly after leaving office.

A few ex-presidents have remained active in politics and the law, including sixth president John Quincy Adams (the only other child of a president to also be elected to the highest office in the land) who served for 18 years in the U.S. House of Representatives after his single term in office. Likewise, 27th president William Howard Taft, was appointed a justice of the Supreme Court after his term.

Weekly World News has learned that President Bush intends to follow the path of the second group by remaining in the political forum.

Just not in the United States.

Instead, a confidential source in the Bush White House has revealed, advisers have put together a plan that will allow the current U.S. president to run for the office of president of the Republic of Mexico after he leaves office in January of 2009.

“It’s not going to be easy,” the Weekly World News source admits. “According to Article 82 of the Mexican constitution, a candidate must be a ‘Mexican citizen by birth, in the full enjoyment of his rights,’ so right there we run into a problem, seeing as how the president was born in New Haven, Connecticut.”

“We thought about getting Mexico to change its constitution,” reveals Boyd Brayne, a constitutional attorney working with the Bush for Mexico 2010 campaign. “But that would have taken too long and cost more money than even the corporate oil lobby was willing to shell out to make this happen. So, instead we hit on the idea of making Connecticut a part of Mexico, retroactive to 1946, the year he was born, which would automatically make the president a Mexican citizen.”

The Bush-Mexico committee has encountered a surprising lack of resistance to their radical plan. The Republican controlled Congress has vowed to push this plan through both Houses. “And,” adds Senator majority leader Bill Frist of Tennessee with a twinkle in his eye, “we’re only one more Republican nomination to the Supreme Court away from guaranteeing the annexation of Connecticut to Mexico is ‘constitutional.’”

“All things considered, it’s not that big a deal,” said House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) . “I mean, it’s a tiny little state. Only Delaware and Rhode Island are smaller. And then we can finally make Puerto Rico a state. That way we won’t have the extra hassle of having to change all the flags to 49 stars. Plus, it prevents Joe Lieberman from ever running for president again.”

Mexico Senator Manual Trepa, who is spearheading the Bush effort south of the border, said in an interview aboard his new $1.3 luxury yacht, “We in Mexico would welcome Connecticut into the confederacy of Mexican states. I understand it ranks numero uno in personal wealth. That should come in handy.”

When asked about his plans for a run for the Mexican presidency, President Bush would only say, “No commentario.”

Reports that Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have begun taking Spanish lessons have yet to be confirmed.

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Paul Kupperberg on September 2nd, 2008

More of this unpublished short story. Part 1 and Part 2 are here:

“Passed Lives”
© Paul Kupperberg

Malasa took the road east. It was half a day’s ride into the City of the Stars. Less than an hour into her journey, the spires of the City poked up from the horizon. Slim elegant spires, as bright and shimmering as starlight grew taller as the evening drew closer. The sky was dotted with the aircraft of the rich and noble.

Malasa did not notice the passage of time or the mighty city that hove into view before her. She thought instead of the eclipse. And of the lie she had told Khar. She had called him a fool for fearing the eclipse, but really, how was he to know any better? For all his kindness, his intelligence for a man of his station, Khar shared the base superstitions of a peasant. He sees that which he does not understand and thus ascribes some supernatural, and no doubt ominous, cause to it. Blotting out the sun surely foretells imminent doom. He couldn’t know that the gods were not the least bit interested in his life or death. Their attentions were turned to matters cosmic and often beyond mortal comprehension. Kahna had stood before them, defied them, battled them, felt their scorn, only to survive because she was too insignificant to be worth killing. That their actions ever crossed with those of mortals was only of the greatest coincidence. That they might answer prayers or change any one mortal’s life out of anything but wretched self-interest was laughable.

Khar had seen an omen of disaster.

Malasa told him the eclipse was just that, an eclipse. He did not believe her when she said that truth had been a lie. Perhaps she had not granted him credit enough for wisdom.

An eclipse was nothing more than the passage of one body between two others, casting a shadow across space.

The event itself did not cause ill to befall the world.

It did, however, announce that the Powers were at their apogee and the schemes of gods and demagogues and mages alike were soon to commence.

* * *

As evening fell, Malasa rode through the East Gate of the City of the Stars, between twin ranks of Guard. Kahna’s heart swelled at the sight of them, strong young men and women in their gleaming armor over crisp uniforms. Their posture was as rigid as their battle staffs, shined to mirror perfection and planted firmly on the ground. Once she had been one of them, a soldier in the Palace Guard of the City of the Archer, in the reign of Ahr’ghan II. She remembered what it was like to buckle on the armor, march as one with an army of her peers, sharing in their strength and reveling in their numbers. How many years ago was it?

“Guardsman,” she called.

“Aye?” one answered turning only his eyes to her.

“What is the year?”

“Last I looked, it was still 5276, in the reign of Shiad VI.” The guardswoman to his left snorted in derision at the ignorant peasant.

Malasa ignored her and said, to herself and in disbelief, “More than eight hundred years.” She dug her heels into the horse’s side, urging him forward. “Eight hundred years.”

She wondered if, in all that time, this was the only time she had come back.

* * *

The marketplace seemed to find new life in the early hours of darkness. Exhausted by the days commerce, the vast, tight maze of streets and shops that twisted up the gentle slope of Palace Hill would fall quiet, merchants and peddlers toppling off legs grown numb from standing dawn to dusk, gasping for breathe and recovery as they shuttered their businesses and crept home to dinner and sleep. Then, come the night, and the market opened anew for businesses best conducted under the cover of darkness and in the shadows of morality.

Malasa left the horse at the livery owned by the husband of Khar’s sister and, refusing their repeated offer of a bed for the night, wandered into the torch lit marketplace.

Malasa seldom came to the City. All that they needed to live, really, was available to them where they were. They grew their own food, raised their own livestock, trading the surplus with neighbors for whatever else they needed. Khar shoed horses, repaired farming implements and craftsmen’s tools for services or goods and, even sometimes, a little gold. Save for the raw materials of his trade, the metals and coal for his hearth, they needed nothing from the City of the Stars.

Kahna knew the marketplace intimately, or at least she had eight centuries past. But she found as she wandered the serpentine streets that while the faces of the merchants and facades of the stalls and shops had changed from what she remembered, the marketplace remained as it had been. A new generation of gamblers and tricksters and whores and thieves crawled these streets seeking victims among the unwary, but the stink of stale ale and the stench of desperation were the same as it had ever been. Kahna felt right at home. Malasa had been frightened since she had ridden off from home.

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Paul Kupperberg on September 1st, 2008

A couple of weeks back, I decided to pick up the manuscript of a mystery novel I had started some time back but which has sat for years untouched. I had about 21,000 words written and I reasoned if I wrote an easy 500 words a day on the book (on top of my ongoing paying writing), I’d have a completed novel in two to three months. In the first 16 days of this program, I’ve written 17,830 words, or about 1,115 words a day. Here’s the most recent several hundred:

THE SAME OLD STORY
THE SAME OLD STORY © Paul Kupperberg

Chapter 14/ PORKY PUPPY, THE WORLD’S FATTEST DOG

Mick was waiting for me in front of the precinct when the radio car deposited me downtown thirty-five minutes later. Without a word, the cops left me at the curb. Just as silent, Mick held out his hand, palm up.

I fished the packet of pass books from my breast pocket and placed it in his hand.

Sgt. O’Connor sighed at me like a disappointed mother, shook his head, and turned and marched inside.

“I’ll assume this means I’m dismissed?” I called after the closing door. I took his silence as acquiescence and turned and walked away. He was right, of course. I had no right hanging on to those pass books as long as I did. If someone else had pulled that, Mick would have popped him on an obstruction charge. I got disapproval which was, in some ways, worse.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Shelly. I couldn’t get the faces of Etta Konigsberg and Rena Schindler out of my head and their sadness out of my thoughts.

If Shelly is guilty, I told myself, she’s responsible for their grief. That deserves punishment, doesn’t it? No matter what she looked like. How she smelled and the way she felt against me.

That was picture I was trying to block from my mind. Last night. That was the moment that could override any suspicion and all reason. What the hell was it about her that made this so difficult? I’ve been with women before…but none like her. There was something sad about Shelly that got under my skin and I just couldn’t shake.

“Shit,” I said, out loud I suppose, because the man I was passing on the street stopped and gave me a look. I was so tired of everybody’s sadness, but I was deep inside it now and didn’t know how to shake it.

I headed for Hale’s. I could start trying there.

# # #

After my third shot of whiskey, I took a dime off the bar and walked it over to the payphone in the rear. It was six-thirty by my watch. Plenty of time for Shelly to make believe she had just gotten home from a job she hadn’t gone in to today. I dialed her number and listened to it ring.

No answer.

Maybe she was pretending to still be stuck on the subway.

I retrieved my coin and returned it to the puddle of damp change in front of my seat at the bar.

“Another one?” Raymond said, coming over and nodding at my empty shot glass.

“Keep ‘em coming,” I said.

He reached around and found the right bottle without even looking and refilled my glass. He set the bottle down on the bar.

“You don’t usually drink like this, leastways not by yo’self,” he said.

“It’s been a crappy week, Raymond.” I downed the shot and, while I followed it with a slug of beer as a chaser, he poured me another without being asked.

“Mind if I do some’a that bartender bullshit that al’ays pisses me off when I’m trying to get a good drunk going?”

“We all appreciate the wisdom of your silence,” I said. “But by all means. Advise away.”

“This look like a woman’s involved.”

“She is.”

“Makin’ you think thoughts you don’t like thinkin’. Do stuff you wouldn’t normally be doin’.”

“I’m impressed with your powers of deduction, Raymond.” And I was, in a way that four shots of whiskey and two beers can make even the corniest parlor trick seem impressive.

“That the easy part, man,” he said. “Wouldn’t be depressed if some dame didn’t have you all twisted around. Thing is, what should you do about it?”

“She’s gorgeous, Raymond.”

“Ain’t they always. Just makes it harder to do the right thing.”

“Which is?” I asked, like Dorothy waiting for the Wizard to deliver the answer to all her problems.

“The right thing,” Raymond said. Then he moved down the bar to refill someone else’s beer.

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Paul Kupperberg on August 29th, 2008

The third installment of CAPES, COWLS & COSTUMES, my column for Bookgasm.com about superhero tie-in novels is up and running so please stop by and check it out: This time around, I take a look at comic book movie novelizations. Even without CC&C, Bookgasm is a must-read site…I’m just some icing on the cake.

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Taking up a dare from his friends, young Merlin Krebbs now finds himself locked inside a rocket full of corn flakes speeding towards his planet’s sun (or you can just read it, here). Boy, is he sorry now he didn’t listen to his parents!


WAYSTATION

© Paul Kupperberg

chapter one (continued)

They probably knew what had happened to him by now. His friends, who had witnessed the ship blasting off from the Factory spaceport with Merlin onboard, had likely spent a few hours debating whether or not to tell what had happened. But in the end, they would’ve done the right thing. Which meant that Mom and Dad were, even now, both worried sick and angry as all get out. No, this would definitely not go over well with them, especially in light of their family discussion, just the night before, about Merlin’s chronic lack of responsibility. They’d forgive him, of course…

…If he got out of this alive.

For the six hundred and twenty-seventh time since the ship’s massive steel hatch had slammed shut behind him and he had been slammed to the floor by the tremendous g-force of lift-off, Merlin looked desperately around the cargo hold. There had to be a way out of this, he thought. Humanity had been travelling in space for… well, a real long time. Thousands of years. Merlin wasn’t sure exactly how many thousands, but it was a lot of them. And in all that time, it had become routine, so there had to be a way to…to do something in his current situation. A way to steer. A radio to call for help. Something!

There had to be, but, really, there wasn’t. Not in this ship. Why would there be? It was never intended for anything but hauling surplus corn flakes to the sun for incineration. No one was supposed to be on board. Especially Merlin.

“Why’d I ever take Waldorf’s dare?” he groaned. He knew better than to be fooling around at the spaceport. How many times had his father warned him? “Don’t go fooling around at the spaceport,” his father would say. “It’s dangerous.”

Well, d’uh!

But Waldorf kept teasing him, calling him a scaredy-kilcth. “C’mon, Merl,” he said as they sat on the apron of the spaceport on their duocycles with the rest of the gang, looking up at the huge cargo ship that was still being loaded with corn flakes. “All of us have been inside one of ‘em. Except,” he said, giving Merlin a meaningful look, “you.”

Even as he dismounted from his duocycle, Merlin knew this was a bad idea. He still knew it as he looked into the grinning faces of his pals, and grew even more certain of it as he edged his way towards the waiting ship. The enormity of the sheer badness of this entire idea only grew as he slipped around the robo-loaders dumping ton after ton of corn flakes into the cargo hold and glanced back at his waiting friends. They had all done this and they were all okay.

Any yet…this was still a bad idea on so many levels.

“Just because everyone else jumps off a building doesn’t mean you have to as well,” his mother had often said to him.

Except, when you’re fourteen years old, you kind of do have to.

Or be branded a scaredy-kilcth and spend the rest of high school the object of mockery, various varieties of wedgies, frequent Wet Willies, and the occasional but painful beating.

So, Merlin took a deep breath, crossed his fingers and, hoping for the best but expecting the worst, climbed into the great ship. He figured hanging inside by the hatch for a full ten second count before jumping out should do the trick.

He had just silently mouthed the number five when the hatch closed.

Which brought him, true to Mom’s wisdom and Dad’s warnings, to a collision course with the sun.

Because he was a total weiner, more afraid to tell his friends he was afraid than he was afraid of something like, oh…this happening.

Because of corn flakes and his having the misfortune of being born and raised on a whose sole purpose was making flakes for this sector of the universe. Huge colony and factory ships had been sent out ahead of the settlers bound for neighboring Sectors to settle Riboflavin and begin the immediate production so as to have boxes of breakfast food ready for shipment to every newly settled planet within a thousand lightyears as soon as the colonists landed.

Just about every major company of everything from soft drinks to clothing to pet food owned manufacturing planets in every corner of the Known Universe. Wherever there were to be humans, there’d also be a market for consumer products. It had been done this way since mankind had begun its migration to the stars.

The Riboflavin team had landed, and even as the massive factory-cities were being constructed from the starships that had carried them across the thousands of lightyears from Earth, began planting every farmable acre of the planet’s fertile surface with genetically enhanced corn. The orders from the home office were to begin immediate and full production in each of the six factory cities and keep it going.

Riboflavin’s factories did as they were ordered…

… And the corn flake planet never heard from the home office again. No word to cease production. No orders on what to do with the corn flakes they had already—and continued—to produce. Nobody called. Or came to tell them to wrap it up, show’s over, everybody go home, thank you very much.

So for six hundred Terran Standard years Riboflavin made corn flakes. Tons and tons of them, every day. Pretty soon, there was no place left to put them, which lead some brilliant committee to come up with the idea of building huge transport ships to rocket the massive overload of flakes into the sun. Ever since he was four years old, Merlin wondered why they had not instead:

(1) Just stopped making corn flakes altogether, or
(2) Built ships to take everybody home…or send even someone to Earth for instructions.

But when he had asked his parents about this, his father—a quality control inspector in Plant 17, Flaketown-4—had simply fixed him with a disapproving frown and said, “Because corn flakes is the reason Riboflavin exists, and following instructions from the home office is the way we do things around here, young man. Now finish your flakes and get yourself to school!”

Right.

So, he was millions of miles out in space, on his way to becoming a crispy critter in the heart of the sun. Merlin had to admit that, as bad as he always believed his life was, he had finally hit the absolute bottom on the “life sucks” meter.

There was something strangely comforting about that thought. At least he was off Riboflavin and would never have to spend another boring second thinking about boring corn flakes. And, once the air in the ship gave out, it would probably be over pretty quickly anyway. It wasn’t much comfort, true, but it was better than nothing.

Well, you know, other than the situation being hopeless.

And that was the thought that ran through Merlin’s head as a Slarkbogger Salvage-Destroyer came up behind the sun-bound cargo ship and trained its massive ion-cannons on its tail.


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Here’s the first half of the first chapter of a silly science-fiction young adult book I was playing with several years back. The rest of the chapter tomorrow:

WAYSTATION
© Paul Kupperberg

chapter one
“I am in deeep trouble!”

Merlin Barnstorm Noble Gleeznak Riboflavin Shakespeare Krebbs had a lot of reasons for making what was probably one of the all time biggest understatements to ever be uttered in Known Space. Considering the number of inhabited planets and the width and breath of their locations across the cosmos, that was quite an understatement indeed. But the enormity of his comment was the last thing on Merlin’s mind. He was way more concerned with the reasons for it. Like, for instance:

He was trapped in the hold of a robot cargo ship filled with one hundred thousand metric tons of corn flakes.

A robot cargo ship that was locked on a collision course with Riggit-14, the star around which his home planet, Riboflavin, orbited.

A collision course that, even if he could break out of the hold, was the very purpose for which the ship had been built.

A purpose which meant that the ship was built without any controls he might get to in order to override the auto-pilot.

And even if there were any controls capable of overriding the auto-pilot, Merlin, at fourteen years old and with no experience at piloting anything more complicated than his duocycle through the streets of Flaketown-4, wouldn’t have been able to figure out how to operate them.

In other words, Merlin was in deeep trouble.

Which, unfortunately, seemed to be the story of his life.

Starting with his having been born on what was probably the worst planet in the whole Known Universe, Riboflavin. The corn flake planet. The forgotten corn flake planet. A planet Merlin hated more than even homework. He knew, of course, that there were other planets in the universe, including Earth, from which the ancestors of everyone on Riboflavin had migrated over six hundred Terran Standard Years ago. To make corn flakes. But he was willing to bet his entire collection of magno-ball cards that none of them were as boring, as totally and completely devoid of anything of any interest whatsoever as Riboflavin.

Where all anybody did was make corn flakes.

Come to think of it, Merlin hated corn flakes more than even homework. And Riboflavin.

But, right now, Merlin would have eaten a whole truckload of corn flakes and done a whole school years worth of homework on Riboflavin just to be off this ship and back home with his parents.

His parents!

Merlin groaned and slapped his head as he thought of his mom and dad. “They’re gonna kill me,” he moaned.

Which was, of course, silly. Merlin was shortly going to be dead and incinerated in the fiery heart of Riggit-14 and therefore well out of the murderous reach of his parents.

to be continued…

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Paul Kupperberg on August 27th, 2008

I’ve run a couple of pieces from a Superman novel (here and here) that I started playing around with, mostly just to get the words down on paper. Here’s some more:

SUPERMAN: THE END OF TIME
Superman and all related elements © 2008 DC Comics
SUPERMAN: THE END OF TIME © 2008 Paul Kupperberg

Chapter 1/ Smallville (Continued)

When the first calls came in, Doug Parker was only wishing he were home in bed.

Chief Parker yawned loudly in the dark silence of the police cruiser and scrubbed vigorously at his face with both hands. It was late, he knew, but he was afraid to check his watch to find exactly how late. Douglas Parker was no night owl, not by any stretch of the imagination, and even if he were, Smallville would not be the place anyone with any common sense would prowl looking for action. Of any sort. The old joke about the town that rolled up its sidewalks at sundown had probably originally been told about Smallville.

Smallville, dead set in the heart of Kansas, was just a small town supporting a larger surrounding farming community, nothing but miles and miles of neatly arranged and carefully tended fields of corn, wheat and soy, worked by farm families who were asleep in bed just behind the sun every night and awake ahead of the following dawn. Parker remembered dragging himself out of bed at 4:00 a.m. to do his chores before school, swearing to himself then and there that no matter what else he might do with his life, being a farmer was forever off the list. But he had gone from his parents house to the army – also known for its perverse need to rise at a ridiculously early hour – and then came home to take a swing shift job at the old Electro-Flo battery factory in neighboring Grady before signing up with the Taylor County Sheriff’s Department, which in those days still included the Smallville patrol district under its jurisdiction. By then, his body had become locked into its own cycle and Parker was, farmer or not, unable to keep his eyes open for the last half hour of most early evening television programs.

Usually, this wasn’t a problem. His wife would shake him gently awake at the end of the show and he would grumble his good-night, kiss her, and shuffle off to bed, closing his eyes for eight, solid hours of sleep before they popped open again at 5 a.m. ahead of the alarm clock. Being a cop in Smallville, even the chief of police – the sheriff had spun the Smallville department off as a separate entity twenty-some years back, while Parker was still a patrolman – did not require many late nights. In fact, this was the first one he could recall having to pull since that spate of vandalism six years ago last Christmas. The truth was, hardly anything of importance ever happened in Smallville. Police work consisted largely of traffic control, mediating minor squabbles between neighbors, and searching for lost livestock. Any real crimes – that is, actual infractions of the penal code – were few and far between, mostly domestic disputes, problems with a few of the boys a bit too fond of drink, petty thefts and, sometimes, pranks gone out of control by the local kids, too bored by life in Smallville not to get into trouble.

By those standards, Parker thought, yawning again and reflexively peeking at the glowing dial of his watch before remembering he hadn’t wanted to know, he currently had a veritable crime wave on his hands. And it was too late now to pretend any longer. It was 11:07 a.m. Oh, lord, was that all? He should drink some more of the coffee Lizzie had made for him, good and strong brewed in the old percolator and poured boiling hot into a tall thermos. But while it might wake him up, it would just go right to his kidneys and then what was he supposed to do? He was in the middle of a stake-out. He couldn’t leave the car to seek out a bathroom. You were better off sticking to water on a stake-out. It didn’t run through you quite so quick. On the other hand, it didn’t keep you awake either.

Parker grinned. He wondered if cops in big cities went through the same kind of nonsense in their heads at times like this, or did they have actual crimes and investigations to occupy their thoughts?

Strike that, he thought. He had actual crimes of his own this time. Practically a crime wave, by Smallville standards. Over the past two weeks, four local businesses had been robbed, beginning with Hanson’s Hardware Store, followed the next night with a burglary at Doc Swenson’s pharmacy, then Jonathan Kent’s general story, and, a week later, a return visit to Doc’s and, just last night, Bud’s Service Station was hit. The inventory of stolen items read like a list from a scavenger hunt, including electrical wire, PVC pipe. sheets of aluminum, hand tools of various uses, a variety of medicines and chemicals that could not, as far as Doc could ascertain, be mixed to create anything lethal or hallucinogenic, large quantities of baking soda and laundry powder, and all manner of automotive parts and accessories. The locks were all expertly picked, nothing except the stolen goods disturbed and, oddest of all, any cash left overnight in the registers or, in one case, in plain sight on the counter, was untouched.

Sounded to the Chief like someone was collecting the makings of a junkyard, but it all added up to more than a thousand dollars worth of goods and that was a lot of larceny. More than he felt comfortable sharing his home with. As unaccustomed as he was to having to deal with serious crime, he always managed to deal with it when he had to and, for all his bitching about the late hour and having to pee, he actually loved this stuff. Oh, not too much and not too often, at least not anymore, but why else did he wear a badge? To sit behind a desk, to direct traffic around road construction crews? So he’d do a little investigating, flex his creaky policeman’s muscle, identify the thief and break a major crime wave.

“Earn your pay for a change,” he muttered at the windshield.

The radio crackled in answer and the big, tough cop jumped and shouted “Jeez Louise!” in surprise.

“You awake out there, Chief?” Della Cronkite, night operator, insomniac, and volunteer off-duty hours police dispatcher asked.

Parker grabbed the hand-mike from the clip, “I’m awake, Della,” he said quickly, so she wouldn’t think he had, in fact, been asleep. “What’s up?”

“Got a bunch of calls,” she said. “From the MacDoughals, the Birminghams, the Connelleys, the…”

He keyed the mike to cut her off. “Della,” he called, overriding her before she could waste precious moments on a digression. “What did they call about?”

“Something in the sky, Chief. South of town, out by the McClintock place. They all say it’s all glowing and has been hovering in the sky for five, ten minutes now.”

Parker turned the key and fired up the big police cruiser’s engine, slamming it quickly into gear.

“What took them so long to report it?”

“That’s my fault. Every time I went for the radio, the telephone would ring again and I had to answer it.”

He pressed down on the gas and shot from his parking space hidden behind the bushes surrounding the cannon on Smallville Square.

“Now, doggone it, Della, how many time do I have to tell you? The radio comes first, okay? Folks will wait a few more rings, but it’s important you get information to me first thing.”

“Well, now, they all sounded so scared, I couldn’t…”

“It’s okay, Della. I’m going to sign off now. I’ll call in as soon as I reach the scene. Over and out.”

“You be careful out there, Chief.”

The radio went dead and Parker dropped the handset on the seat next to him.

Lights in the sky.

Not exactly the crime in progress he had been hoping for, but at least it was something to break the monotony. He received, on average, eight or ten such reports every year, although they usually proved to be lightning or a reflection on a window or windshield, or too much whiskey and an overactive imagination. Although there had been that one instance, thirteen, fourteen years back, when dozens of people in several states had seen something.

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